Weekly Challenge #10 - Eliminate the Frenemies (aka Boundary Setting)!

By Lorri Ann Code

Remember the weekly challenge (and all time FAVORITE), when we had you pick a physical area to de-clutter in your lives? You told me about your cars, closets, and even refrigerators! And you loved the freeing feeling of getting rid of the junk that was draining you of your energy and your time. I think this was close to one of our most popular challenges. Well, this is a de-cluttering of the spirit. An emotional kind of clean-up.

You may ask: ‘what the heck is a fenenemy’? Simply put, it is person who says they are your friend but actually is an enemy. May be conscience sort of frenemy, but more than likely it is someone who is not really there for you for a variety of reasons. It is your GF (girlfriend), who when the chips are down and you need someone in your corner…and she is nowhere to be found (either physically or emotionally). It can be disheartening, disappointing, and depending on how embedded she is in your life…downright painful!

Some not quite so painful examples might be: You come into the room sashaying your ‘new look’, fresh from the salon, and your frenemy says “did you do something to your hair?” with a straight face and squinted eyes. Quickly deflating any new sense of confidence you had just acquired through the magical hands of your stylist. Making you doubt your own taste and worse yourself. It is just how we women are built. We look to our friends for confirmation of our new looks and ourselves.

More examples: You call enthusiastically your frenemy, with great news and whole heartedly expect her to join you in your joy. She proceeds to rain on your parade with questions and comments on all the reasons it cannot possibly work or there must be a “catch”, it cannot possibly be that good, instead of enjoying the moment with you. All the while, saying she is just being “realistic” and does not want you to get your hopes up. Why not? Why not get your hopes up?! Through hope, comes change! Hope is a wonderful healing emotion and can be a catalyst for change. Quickly excuse yourself from the conversation before your frenemy quickly and efficiently douses your dreams and enthusiasm in one fell swoop!

The worst way to find out you have a frenemy in your midst is when you really need a friend. Challenge happen in life, whether it be a divorce, a job loss, death in the family, etc. This is the time when you need unwavering, unconditional support and a place to vent. You go to your frenemy looking for your ‘soft spot’ and not only is she not there but worse, she joined the other side. I am sorry to say, but she was never a friend. You actually had a frenemy on the inside (inside your home, social circle, or heart). We, as women, look to each other for positive support and encouragement. A safe place. When the people you surround yourself with are not lifting you up, it is time to cut your losses and move on.

How do you know if you have a frenemy in your life? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

How do you feel when you are with your friend? Do you feel uplifted and a general sense of well-being?

Do you hear her saying small, unsupportive passive aggressive comments towards you?

Do her actions match her words?

Biggest indicator: your gut. Your intuition always knows even if you do not want to listen! Do a ‘gut check’ and see how you feel. Simply put: Do you feel better or worst after spending time with her? Best indicator of all! We always know even when we do not want too. Your intuition can be screaming at you and you are saying,’ no, not Susie, she would NEVER do that’. We have instincts for a reason, trust them.

Look around your circle of friends. You should see a wonderful group of people who you enjoy and trust and who ultimately, make your life better. If not then it might be time to do some emotional de-cluttering. We, at Mama Bootcamp, call it the ‘sister code’. Laugh with one another, cheer each other on, and support one another, knowing they would have your back, when the chips are down. Life can be challenging, you need your circle to be clean and healthy!

“Friendships can be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”

I love that. Simple right. Oprah says (and I paraphrase): “Gayle, my best friend cheers for me the loudest when I am doing well and is there for me with open arms when I fall”.

Your challenge: take a close look at your "circle." Does it include a frenemy? Or even more than one? If so, reevaluate her/his role in your life, and decide to make a change. Tell her what you think, and what you need. Or simply decide to elevate your circle and to no longer include her in it. Initially this might feel uncomfortable, and even scary. But ultimately, you will only be the better for it. When you are surrounded by "sisters" the world is a much more supportive and happy place.

I wish for all of you a circle of sisters, or as we say at Mama Bootcamp “sistas”. Blessings.